I am a Desk Clerk

Somebody has sent me years ago. I do not know the writer of this article. But it is so amusing.

I have advanced degrees in accounting, public relations, marketing, business, computer science, civil engineering, psychology and Swahili. I can also read minds.

I am a desk clerk. Of course, I have the reservations that you booked six years ago even though you don’t have the confirmation number, you think it was made under a name that starts with “X” and it wasn’t guaranteed with a credit card.

I am a desk clerk. It’s not a problem for me to give you seven connecting, non-smoking, poolside suites, with two king beds each, for rollaways, and yes, I can install a Jacuzzi and wet bar if you’ll give me 5 minutes. If you need them near an exit, it’ll take an extra 2 minutes. And yes, it’s my fault we don’t have a helicopter landing pad, a boat launch, a horse corral, a bike stand, and a blimp docking station or a snowmobile parking area.

I am a desk clerk. I am expected to speak all languages. It is obvious to me that when you booked your reservations for Thursday, that you really meant Saturday. My company has entrusted me with all financial information and decisions, so yes; I am able to tell you why your bill from March 1989 contained a 25-cent phone charge because you obviously never pay your phone charges.

I am a desk clerk. I understand that your company, McGillicutty’s Widget Manufacturing And Roller Skating Rink, is a vast empire that can make or break our property. So, yes, I am lying to you when I say we have no rooms available. It is not a problem for me to quickly construct several more floors of Guestrooms. This time I will not forget the helicopter landing pad, the boat launch, the horse corral, the bike stand, and the snowmobile parking area. The blimp docking station will be quietly constructed before you awake in the morning. And it is my fault that everyone wanted to stay here. I should have known you were coming in today, even though you have no reservation.

I am a desk clerk. I am quite capable of checking three people in, two people out, taking five reservations, and transferring fifteen incoming calls, fixing the soda pop machine, calling a cab for you, unplugging the toilet in room 221, and giving directions to a non-English speaking guest all at the same time.

I am a desk clerk, an operator, a bellman ( THANKS for the 25 cent tip), houseman guest-service representative, housekeeper, sales coordinator, information service, a map, an entertainment critic, restaurateur, stock broker, TV repairman, computer technician, ice-breaker, postman, dispatcher, laundry cleaner, ambassador, FAX expert, human jukebox, and a verbal punching bag. An I DO know why room 112 is not answering their phone; I’m just not telling you.

I am a desk clerk, I always know where to find the best vegetarian, kosher, Mongolian, topless barbecue restaurants at 3:30 a.m. I know exactly what to see in this city in fifteen minutes without spending any money. I take personal blame for airline food, traffic jams, rental car flat tires, lost luggage, bad cable reception and the national economy. I realize that you meant to book your reservation here. People often confuse us with the Galaxy Delight Motel and Adult Bookstore of Antarctica. Of course I can “fit you in” and yes, you may have the special on dollar rate because you are affiliated with the Hoboken Accounting and Bagel club.

I am expected to smile, empathize, sympathize, console, cajole, upsell, downsell, (and know when to do which) perform, sing, dance, and fix the printer and the network. Oh, and of course I know where Foxtrot Lane is…

I am a desk clerk. I do all things… and try to look busy when the management is around!

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